I was bad at almost everything the job demanded. Could I please remember to ask people if they wanted a receipt?
No, I couldn’t. Could I please not spill hot coffee on children? No. Could you please arrive promptly for work, you only live 3 blocks away? No, impossible. Could you fill the rag bucket up with the right ratio of water to disinfectant? Nope. When someone orders a soy milk latte, could you please use the proper container? Uh, only if it’s already in my hand. Can you try harder? Clearly not.
Between comedy, my increasingly stressful “romantic” relationship, the don’t-judge-me-this-is-a-normal-part-of-the-transition-into-adulthood feelings all culminated in me quitting. I wish I could tell you I went out in a blaze of glory, that there was a statement of some kind made. But honestly this was one of my less proud, tail-tucked-firmly-between-legs, moment. For that, I am ashamed.
So now I scrape together a living with an odd assortment of jobs. SAT tutoring, “night monitoring,” I once held a sign at the airport for 13 hours while conference attendees flew in from different parts of the country. No day, or week, is ever the same. My income is unpredictable, but I seem to make ends meet. My goal is to add freelance writing, commercial acting, and paid comedy gigs to that list.
SAT tutoring is all my high school fears come true. I stand in front of a classroom of judgmental teenagers, re-teaching myself math I was never very good at to begin with. I perpetuate the myth that doing well on the SAT a) matters and b) results in some increased chance at being “happy” or “successful.” I don’t have the heart to let the children know it’s all a lie because I never liked killing Santa Claus. Plus, I only found out that doing well academically doesn’t automatically translate into professional success a few months ago. I found this realization- depressing.
“Night Monitoring” means that I sit in a hallway of a hotel when school groups come to NYC and prevent abduction, pregnancy, and property damage. It’s cheaper to pay me to sit there than take on the potential liability of a missing/impregnated child…
My jobs are all flexible enough that I’m able to go on tour. When I come back I’ll figure it out all over again.